


i have nothing, if i don't have you

by waterybrains



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:27:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23023213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterybrains/pseuds/waterybrains
Summary: They walk home in complete silence, hands clasped together like their lives depend on it. Charity’s grip on her hand is tight, like she’s afraid Vanessa will bolt as soon as she lets go. Their pace is slow, and neither of them rush to talk, both appreciating the little bit of peace while they can get it.(Set post the scene at the pub that aired Wednesday, March 4th 2020)
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Comments: 20
Kudos: 155





	i have nothing, if i don't have you

Charity hasn’t stopped fidgeting since Vanessa first got home from the hospital. Vanessa had hoped it would stop after a few days, once the dust settled, but she’s only gotten increasingly on edge as the days go by, and it makes Vanessa nervous. 

It’s not like Charity at all - she’s normally a little bit on the lazy side: is the type of person to throw her clothes haphazardly to the side of their bedroom instead of taking the few extra steps to drop it in the hamper, is always glued to the sofa and the telly as soon as she's home after a long day at the pub. She barely ever gets up to do any of the house chores unless Vanessa pesters her. It’s even become an inside joke between them, that Vanessa lives in a house with 5 kids instead of 4. 

Now, her restless energy only serves to remind Vanessa that things have changed. Charity’s probably deep-cleaned the kitchen three times this week alone, and she hasn’t stopped moving, is always busy doing _something_. It would amuse Vanessa if it wasn’t such a stark reminder that things will probably never be the same again.

She’s been _so_ good, apart from the little wobble she had when Vanessa first told her about her cancer _-_ it’s like something clicked into place in Charity’s mind that next morning, when Vanessa had reluctantly told her all the details of her diagnosis after going to yet another doctor’s appointment alone. Charity hasn’t left her side since. Has kept her word that they will get through this. Just them. _Together_.

Despite Charity’s reassurance, Vanessa still finds herself paralyzed by fear sometimes, can’t help but worry that this will be too much for Charity to handle, that this would be it: the thing that would finally send Charity running for the hills. It’s silly, really, because Charity has stuck by her side through thick and thin. Her suspension. Losing her dad. Charity will stick by her through this too.

And so far, she’s been nothing but supportive, _too_ supportive, Vanessa sometimes thinks. It’s hard to not feel claustrophobic when Charity’s constantly hovering over her like she’s her mother and not her fiancée. She knows it comes from a good place, _knows_ that Charity’s only pestering her because she cares, but she can’t deny the part of her that wishes they could just pretend none of this was happening. At least before she goes in for her surgery. Before she starts chemo. While pretending is still within the realm of possibility.

Except as much as she wishes she could, it’s getting harder to pretend as the days go by. There’s a sharp pain in her side every time she moves too quickly, and when she's tired, she can barely take a breath without feeling a dull ache against her stomach. It’s a miracle that she’s still managing light duties at work.

She’s just being stubborn, she’s well aware that she could just ask for some time off, that Rhona and Paddy and Jamie can probably handle the workload without her for the next little while. It’s not like they’ve been crazy busy. She doesn’t even have to come up with a fake excuse - they’d understand if she just said needed a bit of a rest to recuperate from being kidnapped for a fortnight. 

But there’s a part of her that can’t let herself give in, is determined to not let this illness stop her from being her normal self, even if it means she has to push through the indescribable pain sometimes. She’ll be bedridden in a matter of weeks. She wants to move around and live her life while she still can. 

So she takes control the only way she knows how - pushes against Charity’s wishes for her to stay home, ignores the sad looks Charity shoots her way when she thinks Vanessa isn’t looking.

The cancer is growing inside her after all. So _she_ gets to make the decisions. She gets to make this all about her.

She _will_ do this her way. It’s the only way she’ll get through it.

She can tell the secret’s weighing on Charity, though, and no matter how much of a brave face she puts on for Vanessa, she can tell that Charity’s struggling. She remembers how keeping Lisa’s secret last year had taken such a toll on Charity and she hates that she’s now the one asking that of her. And she knows Charity is right - her own words in Charity's voice won't stop echoing in her mind - the more people know, the more support she'll have. Which can only be a good thing.

But she can't do it. She's not ready yet. The idea of telling everyone she’s sick seems so much worse than anything she's already been through. She's getting enough pitying looks already after what happened. She can't deal with anything else. So Charity will just have to hang on to the secret for a little while longer. 

She can’t even imagine what that would be like, telling anyone else - Rhona’s going through so much after having just lost Graham, and Tracy’s only just found happiness again after everything that happened with their Dad, and she can’t even think about telling the kids - she’s barely wrapped her own head around what’s happening, she wouldn’t even know how to begin to explain to them that _Mummy’s really sick. And that the doctors are doing everything they can to help, and her prognosis is good. That chances are, she will get better._

_Or she might not._

Johnny and Moses are far too young to fully understand, and she doesn’t think she’s ready to put that burden on Noah. They’re going to need to rely on him a little bit more in the coming months, when she’s too ill to do anything and Charity has to take care of her. She doesn’t doubt for a second that Noah will step up to help Charity out with the boys. He’s a good kid, he would do it in a heartbeat - maybe with a little bit of complaining, but he’ll do it nonetheless. 

It’s not even the logistics she’s worried about, _really,_ she’s got a family that loves her, and she doesn't doubt that they'll prop her up when she needs them to. It’s just the fact that she hasn’t even recovered from the heartbreak on Charity’s face when she told her she was ill. She can’t bear to see that on anyone else’s faces just yet. Least of all her kids. She can’t break their hearts. Because once she says it, she can’t take it back. 

So she won’t tell them. For as long as she can get away with it.

She goes about her day like normal, tries to keep up with her kids and Tracy’s latest love interest and whatever Rhona’s getting herself into these days. She should probably start slowing down, if today’s anything to go by. She’d been so busy trying to keep up appearances for Rhona that what she had said about _Charity_ and _The Money_ and _telling Marlon_ didn’t really sink in until she walks into the pub to another one of the ridiculous Dingle Trials, Charity standing at the centre of it all.

She can barely stand any of this drama on a good day, and it’s the last thing she needs right now. She has to work hard to hide her annoyance, focuses most of her effort on keeping her breath steady to keep the pain from showing in front of everyone, instead of listening to whatever the Dingles are shouting at each other this time.

Charity looks shocked, remorseful, _desperate,_ and Vanessa wishes she could say something to defend her but she doesn’t have the energy, doesn’t even know what to say to help Charity's case.

It doesn’t matter anyway, Marlon’s too angry, and anything she comes up with will fall on deaf ears. She’s sure of it. 

She hears Charity’s words before she even realizes that the room is turning against her, and she doesn’t have the strength for much more than a lame apology. She only half means it, doesn’t really believe that she owes anyone anything, but there’s still a part of her that understands where Marlon is coming from. 

Because after all, she was upset when she found out about the money, and she remembers fighting for Marlon's corner so adamantly even then. So she can’t imagine how Marlon or Rhona or the rest of the family must feel. She still can't bring herself to put up with any of this though, is beyond frustrated that they have to make such a spectacle out of everything.

She wishes they would just move on from the whole thing already, and if she’s being honest it’s really hard to not find the whole darn thing so utterly and completely stupid when there’s far bigger, badder things to worry about.

Charity didn’t even keep the money, and they all know that already. So she doesn’t really understand why they’re still adamant on publicly embarrassing her when the whole thing is spilled milk anyway.

It’s unfair of her though, and she feels a pang of guilt at how cruel she's being to Charity's family, because after all, not everyone is worrying about whether or not they’ll survive stage-three cancer and live long enough to see their kids grow up, so she bites her tongue and fights the urge to lash out. It would be pointless.

They don’t deserve her words.

The shouting can’t stop soon enough, and when Marlon finally leaves the pub she tentatively approaches Charity and gently places her hand on the small of her back. She can tell Charity’s a bit shaken up by it all, but the quiet show of support is all she can manage. It’ll have to do for now. 

She ignores Chas’ comment about how she looks - she’s gonna have to get used to that soon - the comments on her appearance will definitely increase as she starts looking sicker and sicker with each passing day, so she just rolls her eyes at Chas as she leads Charity out of the pub. 

They walk home in complete silence, hands clasped together like their lives depend on it. Charity’s grip on her hand is tight, like she’s afraid Vanessa will bolt as soon as she lets go. Their pace is slow, and neither of them rush to talk, both appreciating the little bit of peace while they can get it. 

She rushes for the sofa as soon as they’re in the door, manages to sit down right before the ache in her side comes back, and she has to take a second to will the pain away. It frustrates her, the whole thing - the fact that even walking such a short distance puts such a strain on her body now. Soon, she won’t be able to carry Johnny in her arms. 

Charity’s by her side in an instant, she doesn’t miss a step and she doesn’t make a fuss either. She makes sure Vanessa’s settled, fluffs the pillows around her for effect before she heads towards the kitchen. 

“Want a brew?” Charity asks, already filling the kettle with water from the tap before Vanessa even has a chance to reply, “I’ll even make it extra weak, just how you like it.” Charity teases, no doubt trying to keep the conversation light hearted. Vanessa’s grateful for it. 

“Yes, please,” She mutters, sinking further into the sofa, “And when you’re done do you fancy putting on one of Diane’s scandi-dramas?”

Anything to take her mind off the day they’ve just had. 

“Changed your mind about going to work today, then?” Charity pulls two mugs from the cupboard and drops the teabags in it while she waits for the kettle to boil, “Changed your tune there, babe.”

“They can manage without me for a day,” Vanessa says, and she can hear the smile in Charity’s voice when she responds. 

“You sure?” 

“Yeah, Charity, I’m sure.”

“Right. You won’t hear me complaining.” Charity says, walking over the short distance between the kitchen to the back of the sofa. She leans from behind, places her head beside Vanessa’s and whispers in her ear, “Go on then, go change into something a little more comfortable and I’ll put the DVD in. We can make an afternoon out of it and I can ask Tracy to pick up the boys and keep them busy for the day, how’s that sound?”

“Yeah, sure,” Vanessa’s too tired to argue, too exhausted to pretend that there’s nothing more she wants than a quiet afternoon in with Charity. “That sounds really nice, actually.” 

When she comes back downstairs, Charity’s just got off the phone with Tracy. There’s two steaming mugs on the coffee table, and Charity’s rearranged the pillows on the sofa. It looks much cosier than it did just moments ago.

Charity pats the empty spot beside her when she sees Vanessa on the landing, a dopey grin on her face. Vanessa smiles back, closing the distance between them and slumping down onto the sofa with a heavy sigh, letting herself snuggle into Charity’s side. Charity tosses her arms around Vanessa’s shoulders, pulling her closer, and Vanessa lets herself lean into the warmth of Charity’s body as the opening credits starts playing and they both relax into each other.

Vanessa’s ready to forget about her reality for a little while, and she’s trying her hardest to quiet her thoughts, _she really is_ , but she’s never been good at brushing things under the carpet when it comes to other people’s feelings, and she can’t seem to forget the look on Charity’s face at the pub earlier, when Marlon had shouted cruel words at her. 

She carefully reaches across Charity for the remote and hits the pause button before turning carefully in Charity’s arms until she can get a better look at Charity’s face. 

“About earlier-”

“I”m really sorry,” Charity's apology tumbles out of her before Vanessa can even start her sentence, a look of guilt painted across her face yet again. She's seen this face on Charity far too often lately. Vanessa doesn't like how it makes Charity's brows furrow and her eyes droop sadly. “I’m really sorry you had to be there for that, I'm sorry that it-”

“Charity-”

“-happened at all, really. Cause that’s the last thing you need isn’t it? And when they tried to bring you into it, Ness-”

“Charity.” She repeats herself with more conviction, “Stop-”

“I’m sorry, Ness,” Charity’s face crumples, and she buries her face in her hands, “God, they’re right, you know. I was selfish and I acted before I thought, _again_. And if I hadn’t,” She swallows, “Well we wouldn’t have fallen out, would we, and I would’ve realized you weren't off in Paris, and you would’ve-”

“Stop it.” 

“But-”

“Stop it, Charity,” She reaches for Charity’s hands and pulls it away from her face. Grips it tight. The tears flow freely down Charity’s cheeks now, and it suddenly infuriates her that even after everything Charity's done for her family, none of them has ever had Charity’s back. It makes her worry about who would be in Charity’s corner if she’s not around anymore.

“You need to stop it, this guilt thing, it's not doing anyone any good. You’re not selfish. Maybe about the little things, but not when it’s important, you’re not.” Vanessa insists.

Charity only sniffles in response, so Vanessa continues. 

“And Marlon’s wrong you know, they’re all _so_ wrong, you’re not _nothing_ ,” Vanessa spits out, trying to keep her anger at bay. It’s hard to get through to Charity when she’s like this - she acts all tough and like nothing can get to her, but she is perhaps the softest person Vanessa's ever met, the words people throw at her face crawl under her skin and fill her nightmares, even now still. “You’re everything, Charity. You’re _my_ everything.” 

“Really?” Charity looks up at her and scoffs, and there’s something like disbelief in her eyes. It reminds Vanessa that despite everything she does to show Charity how important she is to her, sometimes she has to say it out loud for Charity to hear too. 

“Of course, you daft mare,” Vanessa replies gently, taking Charity’s face in her hands to wipe her tears away, “I love you, you know, even if you drive me up the wall most days. I’m always going to love you, aren’t I? And I’m not going anywhere,” she swallows as the words settle heavily between them, “Not if I can help it.”

“Good,” Charity chokes out, “That’s good.” She stares at Vanessa for a while before shifting so that Vanessa’s pressed up against her side. Charity uses the hand that was draped across the back of the sofa to pull Vanessa’s head down until it rests against her chest and buries her fingers deep in Vanessa’s hair. She massages her head softly, the way she knows Vanessa likes. 

They stay like that for a while, holding each other tight and keeping each other safe, far from the world’s reach. Vanessa feels unstoppable when they’re like this, feels like she can let her guard down and doesn’t have to pretend everything is anything other than what it is. These moments don’t come so often now, they haven’t been able to catch a break these days. She can’t remember the last time they just held on to each other like this.

She misses it desperately. Just _being_ with Charity. Vanessa has never felt safer in her life than when it’s just the two of them, both their walls crumbled at their feet. She savours as much of it as it can, basks in the comfort of having Charity here, solid against her, and she finally lets herself feel it all, stops trying to manage her own feelings so much. The words spill out of her before she has a chance to stop herself. 

“Charity,” Vanessa whispers after a while, hands clutching at the soft material of Charity’s blouse where it rests against her hip, “I’m really scared.”

She feels Charity’s sharp inhale, how her chest heaves with it. 

“I know," Charity pauses, her fingernails still scratching softly against Vanessa's scalp, "I know it's scary, but I got you, alright?” Charity’s voice is shaky when it comes out, but there’s a certainty behind it that lifts the weight off Vanessa’s shoulders a little, that lets Vanessa know that Charity really means it when she says she’s not going anywhere. That they’ll beat this together. 

A finger comes to rest under her chin, and Charity’s tipping her face up so that they can look at each other properly, her head still leaning against Charity’s chest. When their eyes meet, Charity’s looking down at her so gently, with more love in her eyes than Vanessa knows how to handle.

It’s overwhelming sometimes, and it still takes Vanessa aback how freely Charity loves her now.

She remembers what it’s like in the beginning, how getting Charity to admit she even _liked_ Vanessa was like pulling teeth. They've come so far since. 

“You’re so beautiful,” Vanessa blurts out suddenly, and Charity’s cheeks flush as a grin spreads across her face.

“What was that for?”

“Dunno,” She ponders for a second, a giggle bursting out of her chest as she smiles, “Haven’t told you how much I liked your new hair, have I?” 

Vanessa lifts the hand that was on Charity’s hips and reaches for her curls, absentmindedly twisting the ends of it around her finger, “It looks dead nice.” 

“Got it cut to seduce you, you know,” Charity murmurs, leaning into Vanessa's touch, “Figured I had to pull out all the stops to get you to forgive me. Was getting a bit desperate, babe.”

“You’re having me on,” Vanessa snorts.

“I swear, babe, I’d do anything for you, and turns out that includes chopping most of my hair off in an attempt to win you back.”

“You soppy cow.” Vanessa pushes gently against Charity's shoulders, her eyes twinkling.

“Yeah, well, deal with it.” Charity grins down at Vanessa before placing a sloppy kiss on her forehead. She holds Vanessa closer when they part. “And you know I mean it, yeah,” the smile is still on her face but her tone is serious now, has an earnesty to it that Vanessa feels deep in her gut, “I’d do anything for you. So you don’t have to pretend with me, okay?”

She rests her forehead against Vanessa’s before she continues, “You can be scared, you can be angry, you can be in pain, you can be whatever the hell it is you want to be. I'll be here no matter what, alright? So if you need anything, even if it's a punching bag, you know where to find me.”

“Okay,” Vanessa nods, fighting the tears that threaten to spill again, “That goes for you too, you know.”

“Shut up, Vanessa,” Charity jokes, and rolls her eyes for good measure, “This is meant to be about you.”

Vanessa shakes her head, “Yeah, but, well, we’re in this together, you and me. So I’ve got you too, Charity. You know that, right?”

Charity lets out a shaky breath and she leans in again, this time to capture Vanessa's lips in her own. “Yeah. Yeah I do, Ness.”

**

When Tracy lets herself in that evening with the boys in tow, she finds Vanessa and Charity fast asleep on the sofa. They’re sitting impossibly close, limbs entangled, still holding on tightly to each other. She laughs quietly at the sight, snaps a couple of pictures so she can tease Charity about it later, before unleashing the boys on the pair of them. Moses lets out the scariest scream he can manage that sounds more like a screech as he jumps on top of the both of them, grabby hands pulling Vanessa’s head away from Charity’s chest so he can put his face close to hers instead. His little hands squeeze Vanessa's cheeks together, and Tracy doubles over in laughter at the sight of her half-asleep sister, trying to keep up with the boisterous, hyped-up-on-sweets four-year-old. It takes Vanessa a while to come to and snap out of sleep, but as soon as she does, her hands come up to hold Moses firmly in her lap, tickling him mercilessly as the room fills with the sounds of his giggles.

Johnny follows suit, and he struggles a little to climb on the sofa to get to Charity, who’s now awake from all the noise. Charity smiles when she sees him, lifts him onto her lap and lets him rest his head in the spot his mother just vacated. She glares at Tracy then, who’s still laughing at the four of them with her phone out, and she's getting ready to make a fuss over Vanessa and tell Moses to be gentle, but when she glances over at Vanessa there's a genuine smile on her face and she just can't bring herself to ruin the moment.

Vanessa meets her eyes then and the grin that spreads across Charity's face matches the one that's already painted across Vanessa's.

 _They're going to be okay_ , Charity thinks to herself, _she’ll make sure of it._

  
  
  
  



End file.
